Staring a blog is something that i’ve been wanting to do. But i didn’t go through it. It took me years to actually suck it up, and start a blog. Feelings and emotions/thoughts of depression stopped me from actually pursuing it. At the time, i felt like nobody would even read what i post, or like what i post, or even want to listen to what I had to say. I started this blog at the beginning of August, on the 8th if i’m not mistaking.
You’re probably thinking what made me decide to actually go on and pursue creating a blog this time? Well, I struggle with major depression and anxiety, and some of you know the hell that depression can bring you through. Well, those times of darkness are really hard, sometimes severe, and I know how it feels to be in it alone. No one understands those feelings and emotions that haunt you. No one to talk to and no one to run to. No one who understands what I go through.
I started this blog because some may not know what depression symptoms is, and some may know and think it isn’t real. But it is, and I’m here to tell you that today and everyday. I also started this blog to let others (who suffer with a mental illness) know you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not weird either. You are human. And don’t let nobody consume you with negativity.
I know and understand how it feels when your mind takes control over your thoughts and misleading every single thought into something very disturbing.
As someone who has been struggling with major depression/mental illness for many years, since i was about 16yrs old, i know how it feels to feel worthless, constantly feeling sad. I know what it feels like when your mind constantly overthinks. Causing yourself to catch a headache, or even worse a migraine. I know how it feels to feel like you’re going to go insane.
But honestly, if you would have asked me about my mental illness about 6 or 7 years ago, I wouldn’t have told you. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I thought it meant that i was weak. I would have told you that i was ok, or i would have told you i was fine, knowing deep down inside me, i felt like i was dying. For years, i have kept my mental illness hidden, but i do know that i have one. I didn’t tell anyone because i didn’t want anyone to call me “crazy,” or to think I’m “dangerous”, the shame has resulted in me feeling shut out, or like i just don’t fit in with anything or anyone. Making me feel like something is completely wrong with me.
It’s a life long battle. Some days a lot of progress is made but some days it looks hopeless. It doesn’t matter if i’m winning or losing, it’s the fact that i’m still fighting that really matters. My son comes first, he’s the main reason why I get up everyday and fight.
But if you ask me now, i will tell you that I have major depression and anxiety, and it’s okay. In some ways it’s really scary, but at the same time I have accepted that i have a mental illness. I’ll be open about my mental illness because by me talking about my journey with my mental illness, might actually help change the way mental illnesses are judged. Maybe people can try to understand depression and you never know, it might help others, to get through their struggles.
Fighting with your own mind is one of the hardest things you can do. If you think about it, people (us) with mental illnesses are very very strong, the strongest people you will ever meet. Depression is so changeable, depression can actually be frightening but there are times of stillness.
A lot of people use to always say, “You don’t look like you have depression,” or “Why are you depressed? “you have no reason to be.” First of all, how will someone look like they have depression?! Some people just don’t understand.
If someone had died, they’ll understand why you are sad. They’ll accept it. Nobody would question that. But because there’s a lot of us, that don’t have a certain reason or problem, people believe that it’s all made up. Some may think it’s us being ungrateful or even being selfish. But trust me, it’s not at all any of that. (Crazy huh?) I can’t choose how I feel or how I am. I just can’t make myself feel something that isn’t there or something I don’t feel- can any of us? We just don’t have the same emotional undertaking than others.
Can you imagine becoming unreasonable and suspicious for no apparent reason? Can you picture the fear and anxiety of actually having no control over your thoughts/yourself? Having those thoughts and not even knowing where they came from. To actually not know what’s real and what isn’t. Sometimes it’s just sadness. Being so depressed that you can’t even bother to move. Everything is hard. Feeling worthless and pitiful. Everything seems pointless and you just want to stay in bed.
Most times, it just comes out of nowhere. Out of the blue. You don’t want to feel like this, but how can you just ‘snap out of it’? How do you make it go away? Major Depression and Anxiety is exhausting. It’s unreasonable but it’s so severe (so intense) and comes very quick. Like I said, it comes out of the blue. Not getting sleep isn’t good, it doesn’t help, but who can sleep make themselves go to sleep?
Your mind is just all over the place, full to the rim of stuff just going around, and round, really going over everything that has happened and everything that’s been said; ‘Why I didn’t get a text back? Why I didn’t get invited to go eat out? I’m crazy. I’m boring. I have no control over it though. I can’t just ‘snap out of it. Most people tell me: ‘don’t worry’. That it could be coming from a good place.
Can you imagine being really really sick and trying to explain that to a family member/friend, and they respond to you like “you need to grow up, because I be depressed and I’m not like that.” Really?! That’s not going to fix it. That’ll just make it worse, and it’ll cause you to just hide the fact that you’re ill.
When I found out that i had been struggling with major depression and anxiety, I felt so relieved. All that feeling alone, I didn’t feel alone anymore. Me being diagnosed made me realize my mental illness journey had started many years before. I was diagnosed at about age 22, but I realized that my journey had actually started years before being diagnosed. I was suffering with severe sadness, feeling worthless, extreme guilt, I wasn’t eating or sleeping, and that was about everyday.
Not knowing what was wrong with me. But I knew it was something. When I tried to speak about my anxiety attacks and major depression, most people just said “It happens to everybody, “Everyone gets depressed at times”, it’ll go away,” or “Why do you let things bother you?”
I guess it didn’t seem so severe to anyone. No one was worried and no one even cared that i was suffering, so i was suffering alone. I still do sometimes, and i said sometimes because i’m getting better with handling it. But people wonder why and actually hate that i show that ‘I don’t need nobody’ attitude. it’s because when I was at my lowest, when I was in nothing but darkness, nothing but guilt, Nobody was there for me but me, myself, and i. That’s the most important time, the best time to have someone by your side when you just want to cry.
But honestly and truly, i don’t wish this on no one. Having a mental illness is really hard. Heck, it’s the most hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with. No one should be ignored, or pushed to the side when crying out, it’s such a hurting feeling. No one shouldn’t have to go through that, and especially not alone. I still struggle with my depression but if I can help anybody, listen or even just with my posts I’m very grateful/ happy with that.
If you want to help, it really helps having someone trustworthy to talk to. Even if they don’t have the answers. It helps to know that someone actually do care. I honestly believe we all need that tenderness, that concern, and that kindness. You know? That humanity!!
There should be more family members supporting their loved one or whom ever it may be, with their mental illnesses. There should be more communication between patients, family members, and the psychiatrist/clinicians. Get the patients family members involved, clinicians should actually be encouraged to do so.
Why did you create your blog?
Hello everyone, please feel free to leave any comments that you may have below. If it’s something I may have left out, or feelings you feel with your mental illness just comment it below. Also, if you like what you’ve read please like, share, and subscribe.