It’s Been Awhile… But I’m Still Alive

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Hello everyone!! I know it’s been awhile, but I had to take care of me. It got to a point to where I lost so much weight, and I’m already a petite woman. My weight has been going up and down for some time now. My normal weight would be 114 and I had gone down to as low as 90 pounds. Oh my God right?! I’m not perfect at all, and i am also still working on me, and I’m doing so much better now. I am now at 104 pounds, and i plan to keep it this way. Sometimes I get so stressed and depressed to where I won’t eat, it’s not purposely, but if you deal with major depression, or any other mental illness you’ll understand. My doctors are so caring, it could be after business hours and she/or he would call me just to make sure i’m okay, or just to let me know that someone actually cares. They would call just to make sure I ate something that day, even if it’s eating on crackers, or a sandwich, but making sure I drink plenty fluids, especially water. I have great doctors!! They’ll call amd check up on me, motivate me, while also helping me. 

While doing all that, they also reminded me that my son Jayden needs his mother, also he needs his mother to be strong! He needs his mother to be healthy! I can’t be strong or healthy not eating or drinking anything. Like I said, it’s not purposely, but after 2/14/2019 I made a commitment to myself, no matter how depressed or stressed I may get I will make myself eat and drink something, I can’t and won’t keep doing this to myself. 

I decided that my health is way more important. Major depressive disorder and anxiety isn’t easy at all, or any other mental illness, and being around negative people, isn’t healthy. I stay in a house with 6 adults and 5 kids and I only have 1 child, there’s no peace, no quiet, no privacy, and last but not least, no understanding. My mental illness is crazy to them.

To them, my depression isn’t serious!! I can just snap out of it to them. Which we all know, it doesn’t work like that! We all wish that it would and could though right??! Depression is real! Depression can also be very severe. My depression so serious to where my doctor’s are trying to sign me up for disability. But to my family it’s not.

“You have no reason to be depressed,” or “I’ve had depression but it went right away.” This is what I hear all the time. Oh yeah and, “You choose to be this way.” Really?! Who would choose to be sad everyday? Who would choose to have a fight everyday with their mind? Who would choose to have all those different emotions and feelings everyday? Who would choose to just wake up in despair everyday? Who would choose not to eat on purpose?

Being around all that would really take a toll on you. Lately I’ve been in good spirit, and I’m not letting no one get to me anymore. I have to do better for my son and I, and that I am doing. I got a call for a 2 bedroom apartment, and I thank God for it. That’ll be a great start for my son and I, and also a peace of mind.

I’m not complaining but staying in a crowded house, plus having a mental illness, hearing nothing but negativity, no understanding about your mental illness, no peace and quiet, and people saying “you’re crazy” or you chose to be that way,” is stressful. Also, it’s not good for your health or your mental health.

This is why I understand those who struggle alone, and have no one to lean on. Some people are just careless, and ignorant. They sound just the way they talk… Ignorant.

But you are not alone, and I’m one good example. There’s plenty other people struggling but won’t come out with it because of the negativity and ignorance people say. Mainly family members.

Getting help and knowing you need help is just showing how strong you are, and that you care enough to get help and knowing what people say doesn’t matter!!

P.s sorry everyone for the long long absence to all my followers… I’m doing great, I’m much better than ever and eating everyday, and taking my medicine everyday how I am supposed too. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜ I hope each and everyone of you have a great and blessed day/week.

A Special Apology To All My Followers For My Lack Of Posts

Everyday Battles Of Depression Poem By Me Expressive Jackie

Everyday Battles Of Depression Poem By Me Expressive Jackie googlec0a003ea1c7bbac6.html
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#depression #battles #everyday #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depressionisreal #writingcommunity #poem #poetry

Everyday Battles Of Depression Poem By Me Expressive Jackie

Everyday is a battle.

It is the most darkest place one could face alone,

A journey filled with struggles solo, all alone.

Everyday filled with many groans,

Everyday is a new battle,

Against the same competitor.

Yet the enemy exchanges blows back with irrational roars.

It sneaks up on you in your most helpless shape,

Mostly when there’s no around who can communicate.

The thoughts in your brain begins to expand and distend,

Which drags you into your private repressed nightmare.

Fabrications and organism from your past

Served as pain, that you can’t withstand.

Lastly sleep always comes as a greeting friend,

Knowing the next morning the continual battle begins yes, yet again.

Never Ends!!

This poem is about the daily struggle with self image, feeling like you’re not good enough for yourself or nobody else. It’s a daily battle of trying to feel accepted, and also, the struggle of learning to love yourself.

In order to love someone else, you have to first start by loving yourself.

Everyday, there is a battle to face. But don’t give up, life is to short, put a smile on your face, and take control over those battles you face, everyday.

Do you like my poem you just read? Feel free to like, comment, and share. Let’s stop the stigma of mental illnesses that’s flying around in the air. If you care, share!!

Good morning to all of my followers, and readers. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read what i have to say. I hope and i pray, that today, each and everyone of you, has a blessed day.

Trapped In Depression Poem By Me, Expressive Jackie

Trapped In Depression Poem By Me, Expressive Jackie
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#depression #depressionisreal #dontgiveup #nevergiveup #alwayspray #pray #poem #poems #depressionpoem #lostpoems #life #realityofdepression #keepfighting

Feelings About The Stigma Of Mental Illnesses

Feelings About The Stigma Of Mental Illnesses
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10 Things No One Tells You About Dealing With Depression

Depression is so much more than just sadness. It’s so much more than feeling blue. But, since depression is hardly ever talked about, people don’t realize that their struggle is way more than real.

Everybody experience being depressed, it’s a normal part of life. Good and bad things happen in life, it’s apart of the a human experience. Life still happens on life’s terms. There’s weddings, divorces, getting fired from your job, deaths, babies, and so much more. In our lifetime, we’re going to have both good times and bad times. Yet, if those feelings of depression last longer than 2 weeks, than this is more likely depression- the mood disorder.

1.) You’re Going To Feel Judged.

Mainly because some people don’t believe in depression. They treat it like it’s not real, or like it’s not a disease that can be severe. But it is, and i hate the fact that most people don’t understand it’s really real. You judging someone with depression is like you’re judging someone with cancer. Don’t let their misinformation and lack of education shame you into not getting help. Trust me, not everyone is misinformed.

2.) It Hurts Physically.

Depression not only hurts mentally but physically.

Muscle aches, joint pain and even stabbing feelings in your chest can all be symptoms of depression. Also, it can mean that it’s time to go see a dr, for more than a physical checkup.

3.) At Times, You’ll Think You Are Going Crazy.

Depression makes you feel like you’re going crazy. Like you’re about to lose it.

Depression is a mood shifting mental disorder; including panic attacks uncontrollable thoughts and habits, social phobia, and many of other issues. Do remember, that you are not crazy. You’re sick and you can/will get better.

4.) Everything Literally Gets On Your Nerves.

Everything gets on your nerves.

Others getting on your nerves, you’re getting on your nerves. This post might be getting on your nerves. Being irritated and aggravated is apart of depression. Yes, it’s a stressor!

5.) Everyday Chores Feel Devastating/Overwhelming.

Everyday duties feels devastating/overwhelming.

Something as simple as making a ham and cheese sandwich feels like to much for a meal, now you’re all worked up about it and now you’re crying.

6.) You Don’t Know (can’t tell) If It’s The Depression Talking.

You don’t know If it’s the depression talking, so confusing right?!

You don’t know If it’s your thoughts, or your depression thoughts. It can be very confusing, telling the difference between the chemical trickery thoughts, or if it’s the way things really is, is actually really really hard! Especially, without help. But truly and honestly, once you’ve overcome the dissimilarity, you’re very much on your way to feeling better.

7.) You Are Going To Feel Numb.

You don’t feel anything inside.

Many people connect depression or sadness with the illness, but honestly, sometimes, depression is feeling nothing at all. If you’re feeling exhausted or shut off emotionally that could be a warning sign, that it’s time to talk to your someone, or a doctor.

8.) Your Mirror Will Become Your Enemy.

You’ll really hate your mirror, it’ll become your worst enemy.

(Haha) A little humor from this gif, to make one you (or all of you) laugh or smile. I hope i did.

Depression and low self esteem goes together well. You start to hate the way you look. You hate to even look in the mirror. When depression makes you feel horrible about the way you look, it’s just better or feels better to look the other way.

9.) Most Of Your Friends Will Disappear, Just To Make That Very Clear.

In certain situations, you will see who’s real and who’s fake.

Wanna know who’s your real, your true friends are? Hard times, tough times, and struggle itself, lets you know who’s real and who’s fake. Who’s there and who’s a snake. Who’s got your back or who’ll stab it. Be glad that, and think about this specific struggle as one of your best blessings that lets you cut off the fake people. Real life situations will expose, who’s your true friends and who’s your fake friends.

If you’re short on rent or your mortgage, or if your child need pampers, and you call around asking your friends will, that will expose who’s real and who’s fake.

10.) Depression Is Very Very Boring.

Depression extremely boring.

Depression is a constant state of boredom. Life is not meant to be one dimensional, but struggling with depression can mean a never ending of boredom, that you can only relieve for the time being. Then it’s back to being boring still. Boringsville. It’s back to sitting down, just looking around.

Think You Might Be Struggling with depression or any other mental illness? There is help, and you are not alone. So don’t feel alone.

Things about depression no one wants to talk about, please feel free to leave any comments that you might have, or if you like what you’ve read than like it or share it please. Thank you all so much for your comments and your likes. That let’s me know someone is reading my post, and if I help just one person I’m very grateful.

The Reason I Started This Blog

Staring a blog is something that i’ve been wanting to do. But i didn’t go through it. It took me years to actually suck it up, and start a blog. Feelings and emotions/thoughts of depression stopped me from actually pursuing it. At the time, i felt like nobody would even read what i post, or like what i post, or even want to listen to what I had to say. I started this blog at the beginning of August, on the 8th if i’m not mistaking.

You’re probably thinking what made me decide to actually go on and pursue creating a blog this time? Well, I struggle with major depression and anxiety, and some of you know the hell that depression can bring you through. Well, those times of darkness are really hard, sometimes severe, and I know how it feels to be in it alone. No one understands those feelings and emotions that haunt you. No one to talk to and no one to run to. No one who understands what I go through.

I started this blog because some may not know what depression symptoms is, and some may know and think it isn’t real. But it is, and I’m here to tell you that today and everyday. I also started this blog to let others (who suffer with a mental illness) know you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not weird either. You are human. And don’t let nobody consume you with negativity.

I know and understand how it feels when your mind takes control over your thoughts and misleading every single thought into something very disturbing.

As someone who has been struggling with major depression/mental illness for many years, since i was about 16yrs old, i know how it feels to feel worthless, constantly feeling sad. I know what it feels like when your mind constantly overthinks. Causing yourself to catch a headache, or even worse a migraine. I know how it feels to feel like you’re going to go insane.

But honestly, if you would have asked me about my mental illness about 6 or 7 years ago, I wouldn’t have told you. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I thought it meant that i was weak. I would have told you that i was ok, or i would have told you i was fine, knowing deep down inside me, i felt like i was dying. For years, i have kept my mental illness hidden, but i do know that i have one. I didn’t tell anyone because i didn’t want anyone to call me “crazy,” or to think I’m “dangerous”, the shame has resulted in me feeling shut out, or like i just don’t fit in with anything or anyone. Making me feel like something is completely wrong with me.

It’s a life long battle. Some days a lot of progress is made but some days it looks hopeless. It doesn’t matter if i’m winning or losing, it’s the fact that i’m still fighting that really matters. My son comes first, he’s the main reason why I get up everyday and fight.

But if you ask me now, i will tell you that I have major depression and anxiety, and it’s okay. In some ways it’s really scary, but at the same time I have accepted that i have a mental illness. I’ll be open about my mental illness because by me talking about my journey with my mental illness, might actually help change the way mental illnesses are judged. Maybe people can try to understand depression and you never know, it might help others, to get through their struggles.

Fighting with your own mind is one of the hardest things you can do. If you think about it, people (us) with mental illnesses are very very strong, the strongest people you will ever meet. Depression is so changeable, depression can actually be frightening but there are times of stillness.

A lot of people use to always say, “You don’t look like you have depression,” or “Why are you depressed? “you have no reason to be.” First of all, how will someone look like they have depression?! Some people just don’t understand.

If someone had died, they’ll understand why you are sad. They’ll accept it. Nobody would question that. But because there’s a lot of us, that don’t have a certain reason or problem, people believe that it’s all made up. Some may think it’s us being ungrateful or even being selfish. But trust me, it’s not at all any of that. (Crazy huh?) I can’t choose how I feel or how I am. I just can’t make myself feel something that isn’t there or something I don’t feel- can any of us? We just don’t have the same emotional undertaking than others.

Can you imagine becoming unreasonable and suspicious for no apparent reason? Can you picture the fear and anxiety of actually having no control over your thoughts/yourself? Having those thoughts and not even knowing where they came from. To actually not know what’s real and what isn’t. Sometimes it’s just sadness. Being so depressed that you can’t even bother to move. Everything is hard. Feeling worthless and pitiful. Everything seems pointless and you just want to stay in bed.

Most times, it just comes out of nowhere. Out of the blue. You don’t want to feel like this, but how can you just ‘snap out of it’? How do you make it go away? Major Depression and Anxiety is exhausting. It’s unreasonable but it’s so severe (so intense) and comes very quick. Like I said, it comes out of the blue. Not getting sleep isn’t good, it doesn’t help, but who can sleep make themselves go to sleep?

Your mind is just all over the place, full to the rim of stuff just going around, and round, really going over everything that has happened and everything that’s been said; ‘Why I didn’t get a text back? Why I didn’t get invited to go eat out? I’m crazy. I’m boring. I have no control over it though. I can’t just ‘snap out of it. Most people tell me: ‘don’t worry’. That it could be coming from a good place.

Can you imagine being really really sick and trying to explain that to a family member/friend, and they respond to you like “you need to grow up, because I be depressed and I’m not like that.” Really?! That’s not going to fix it. That’ll just make it worse, and it’ll cause you to just hide the fact that you’re ill.

When I found out that i had been struggling with major depression and anxiety, I felt so relieved. All that feeling alone, I didn’t feel alone anymore. Me being diagnosed made me realize my mental illness journey had started many years before. I was diagnosed at about age 22, but I realized that my journey had actually started years before being diagnosed. I was suffering with severe sadness, feeling worthless, extreme guilt, I wasn’t eating or sleeping, and that was about everyday.

Not knowing what was wrong with me. But I knew it was something. When I tried to speak about my anxiety attacks and major depression, most people just said “It happens to everybody, “Everyone gets depressed at times”, it’ll go away,” or “Why do you let things bother you?”

I guess it didn’t seem so severe to anyone. No one was worried and no one even cared that i was suffering, so i was suffering alone. I still do sometimes, and i said sometimes because i’m getting better with handling it. But people wonder why and actually hate that i show that ‘I don’t need nobody’ attitude. it’s because when I was at my lowest, when I was in nothing but darkness, nothing but guilt, Nobody was there for me but me, myself, and i. That’s the most important time, the best time to have someone by your side when you just want to cry.

But honestly and truly, i don’t wish this on no one. Having a mental illness is really hard. Heck, it’s the most hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with. No one should be ignored, or pushed to the side when crying out, it’s such a hurting feeling. No one shouldn’t have to go through that, and especially not alone. I still struggle with my depression but if I can help anybody, listen or even just with my posts I’m very grateful/ happy with that.

If you want to help, it really helps having someone trustworthy to talk to. Even if they don’t have the answers. It helps to know that someone actually do care. I honestly believe we all need that tenderness, that concern, and that kindness. You know? That humanity!!

There should be more family members supporting their loved one or whom ever it may be, with their mental illnesses. There should be more communication between patients, family members, and the psychiatrist/clinicians. Get the patients family members involved, clinicians should actually be encouraged to do so.

Why did you create your blog?

Hello everyone, please feel free to leave any comments that you may have below. If it’s something I may have left out, or feelings you feel with your mental illness just comment it below. Also, if you like what you’ve read please like, share, and subscribe.

Lessons Depression Teaches You.

Photo made by me

Are you learning from your problems?

People that are able to learn from their problems, do great in their future, i’ve heard. It doesn’t matter whether you have an episode – Major Depressive Disorder, clinical depression, or anxiety or any other depression or type of anxiety it’s very important to learn a lesson from that problem. Down below are some your depression may be able to teach you.

Hard Work Isn’t More Important Than Sleep.

One aspect of depression is changes in sleep. You might sleep more than you usually do, or you might sleep less. Not getting enough sleep can actually put you at risk to develop or worsen your depression. Chronically getting too little sleep is one risk factor for episodes of depression and bipolar disorder. If you’re losing sleep in order to work more or longer, that loss of sleep may impair your judgement and eventually undermine the progress you are making in your work.

Take Good care of yourself.

Just taking good care of yourself won’t automatically stop depression, but part of the process of recovering from depression is learning to take better care of yourself. Depression teaches you the importance of good preventive self care.

Taking better care of yourself isn’t selfish.

In order to do for others, you have to first take care of yourself. That’s another lesson depression teaches. Taking care of yourself will show you that it’s not the same thing as being selfish. Make taking care of yourself your first priority, to reduce the risks of future episodes of depression.

Things can’t make you happy.

It’s real easy to misstep into the deception of thinking that if you had more, bigger, and a lot prettier things, that that’ll make you happy. Depression does not care what kind of things you have. Depression does not care if you have more stuff. Having depression, teaches you that material things aren’t far more important than relationships and the experiences.

Measure your accomplishments rather than mistakes.

Some people have had many accomplishments. Everyone who tries has some things that don’t work out for them the way it was planned. If you only keep total of your mistakes, you’ll run up a very large total. Looking at only your faults, can be very disappointing. Make sure you always give yourself credit for things you have accomplished. Most likely you have accomplished more things than you are aware of. Depression likes to unclear your view of the positive in life.

Things you tell yourself comes to be true.

Everyone knows that words are very very powerful. Things you tell yourself be liable to come true. Tell yourself you can’t and you won’t be able to. Tell yourself that somehow, some way, you going to find a way to get past this and things are going to get better.

Have you learned anything from your problems?

Sit back and reflect on what your personal problems has taught you. Have your personal problems made you stronger? Or have you just ignored all the lessons/messages that your problems were trying to teach you?

Think about that and if you ignore the messages that your problems/depression tried teaching you, pay attention from now on. Because depression can be a lesson, in disguise. Be wise!

Those are some lessons that depression teaches you from me. If you like it, please like, follow, and feel free to leave any comments that you may have. Thanks to all my followers, you are all amazing πŸ˜‰ I have plenty more to come. Subscribe subscribe and I hope each and everyone of you has a blessed and great day today. Remember to smile πŸ˜€πŸ˜˜

Depressed Or Sad? Need Some Motivation This Morning? Check it out…

Good afternoon everyone, πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ I hope you all are having a blessed and great afternoon. If you aren’t having a good afternoon, I saved some quotes for you all to remember. I understand it all. You are not alone, so don’t think that you are. Having depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bipolar and any other disorder, can make you feel low. Make you think.(sometimes negative) Low Self-esteem Ugh! I know…. just stroll below and read quotes. 😘😘😘😘

You are somebody. Don’t let nobody tell you different. Not even your mind. ( I have to tell myself this sometimes) we are all strong, and we all will keep holding on.

Quotes are from Healthy Place For Your Mental Health…. I have the link below if you guys want to check it out.